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My Son Dale
I was asked what my son, Dale, meant to me. How can I put it all down in words? There are feelings that one has about their children that you can't put down in words, but I will try. I know that I could never write everything about Dale. I hope this will do Dale justice. Dale, from the very beginning, was special. He was timid, awkward and shy. Because of this he did not get very far from me. Because of this he did not get very far from his brother and sister. Dale seemed happiest when he was with us all. As Dale grew, he grew closer to his brother. If I got Dustin a certain toy or shirt, Dale would want one just like it. Soon both boys had the same clothes, toys, and haircuts. A lot of people would ask, when we were out together, if Dustin and Dale were twins. We would respond no, but the boys liked it when people asked. As time passed so did the Ninja Turtles and Care Bears, both favorites of Dustin and Dale's. Both of them attached at the hip, growing together, acting almost as one. It was a sight to see, both in their footy pajamas glued to the TV, side by side. I look back at the pictures from that time and see two of the most beautiful boys one could ask for. Always together, always brothers. You see, to understand Dale you have to include Dustin in these memories. Dustin and Dale were always known as the "Boys". As they grew older they became interested in sports. Both played football, soccer and they started to wrestle. Now during this time a physical change began to happen with Dale. Dale started to grow bigger than his brother although he was younger. Dale started to get a little "chubby". No one ever made fun of him though because he was always cheerful. Dale started to come out of his shell and was becoming a little more self-assured. He was developing a great personality and everyone loved him. Dale would say some of the most ridicules things and you never knew if he was serious or not. This continued until the day he died. He did this just to get you to smile. When you did, so would he and then he would walk away, mission accomplished. Time passed and the "Boys" worked hard at their favorite things, football and wrestling. During this time I separated from their mother. I got divorced and the boys would be staying with their mother. I will never forget the first weekend visitation I had with Emily, Dustin and Dale. We could all be ourselves and had a great time. This came to an end and I had to take them home. I dropped them off and watched all three walk up to the house. Dale turned and waved and stepped inside. I cried like a baby all the way back to my apartment which was now empty. That was the hardest day of my entire life. That day would be nothing compared to August 4th, 2004. I would drive up to Arcadia and watch the games and attend their meets. All of the children loved to come over to my place and we had a great time. I still have one of my favorite pictures of us all together. We took a trip down to Kentucky Kingdom and I bought a photo of us on one of the rides. It was beautiful, all of us together, laughing as hard as we could. That picture was framed and was displayed in my home from that day on. One night in December I got a phone call from my daughter, Emily. She asked me if she and the boys could come over to stay at my house. I told her yes and they moved in with me. I will never forget the look on Dustin and Dale's faces when we built their room in the basement. They called it the cave. It was dark and quiet. It was their sanctuary. The kids finished that school year at Hamilton Heights. Every morning they would get ready and off they would go, Emily driving them to school. The next school year they were enrolled at Hamilton Southeastern. Both boys made friends fast. Dale was undergoing a transformation like I had never seen. This "Chubby" little boy was growing into a tall, strong, handsome young man. His personality matched. Now that we were all living together came the Dad stuff. Every time I would have to discipline the boys, Dale would be the "Healer". He would do that with me, Dustin or Emily. Dale was the glue that held it all together. I could never truly be mad at Dale. I had to pretend, though, so I could get my point across. This was difficult. I had a hard time being mad at any of them. This is because I love them so much. My children are my life, my friends, they are me. With Dale gone I have lost a friend, a part of my life and a big piece of me. Dale fit in right away at Fishers Junior High. He became the star football player. This was due mainly to his impressive size but also to his hard work at practice. Dale liked to hit and tackle, and other kids did not like to get hit or tackled by Dale. I would sit and watch hours of football practice of both boys, but Dale's was the funniest. Dale would get the football and start to run and after 30 yards he would have five or six kids hanging off of him as he went into the end zone. All the kids would drop off and they would high five him. My brother and I would go to Dale's football games and just watch Dale wade through the other teams’ defenses. I was as proud a father as one could be. Dale didn't let this go to his head. He was always helping the smaller kids. They looked up to him and as a young man he could have taken advantage of this. He didn't. The other kids knew this and they loved him for it. Everyone was the same to Dale. If you were nice to him, he was nice to you. I remember one wrestling meet, Dale was undefeated and so was the kid he was going to wrestle. I was sitting with Dustin in the stands and we could see Dale talking to this kid. Dale was smiling and it seemed as though they were old friends. Dustin and I thought he shouldn't do this, he had to be tough. Dale's match started and he lost a close one. After the meet we asked him about this and how the kid had taken advantage of him. Dale said that the kid seemed to be a nice guy and he wasn't going to mean to him over a wrestling match. How do you argue with that? This from an 8th grader. I should have known this from the comments I had heard from Dale's wrestling coach. Dale was not in this for himself. He was in it for the team and his teammates. For this, his coach and teammates loved him. Dale became very active in the school. He was elected class president. Dale, not always being the serious one, had to resign his position. He would always smile about this and was proud that he was the first class president to be impeached. He loved that school. It was during this time that Dale was selected to wrestle on the Indiana Middle School Wrestling Team. Dale and I would drive up to Merriville for practices and stay in a hotel. Dale thought this was "Big time". When it came time for the meet in Chicago, Dale and I loaded up and met the rest of his team at another hotel. During this time we didn't have a lot of money so we were on a shoestring budget. All of the other kids and their dads were going out for steak dinners. Dale asked if we could go. I told him of how little money we had. He smiled and said, "Dad, lets go to the grocery store and have a picnic with just you and I.” We went to the store and got some bread, ham slices, cottage cheese and cokes. We brought it all back to the room, flipped on the TV and had our picnic. Dale said it was the best picnic he ever had. I went into the bathroom and cried. I could not let Dale see this. Dale finished second at that meet. We both talked about it all the way back home. We still have the medal he won. I will cherish it forever. When you think that you love someone, you find out that you love them more and more. This was one of those times. Dale then started high school. He was excited about high school. Once again he became very active in school. Sometimes his sense of humor would get him in trouble, but his teachers always said they liked him. His football and wrestling careers continued. He was having outstanding success. He was as happy as I have ever seen him. His brother got a car and they were now mobile. When Dustin got his first car (a 1987 Chrysler New Yorker) they would go out in the driveway and just sit in it playing the stereo. At times I would go outside just to make sure they hadn't fallen asleep. Now, with a car, they could get real jobs. I got them a job with a friend of mine who works in concrete. They would come back after a hard days work and tell me all the funny things that happened that day. I remember packing their lunches, making sure they both had equal amounts. They loved that job. They never complained. They went on to be cooks and servers. Dale loved to cook, especially omelets. Dale was beginning to get some "serious" girlfriends. I could not keep track of who was who. Girls were calling at all hours of the day and night. I used to joke about this with him all of the time. He would always smile and say "I'm a Milligan, what can I say?” About three weeks before Dale died we attended a family reunion in Kokomo. We were standing at a table covered with old photographs of our relatives. Dale asked an older member of our family who the tall good-looking guy was in one of the pictures. She stated that it was his great-great-great grandfather. Dale stood up proudly and announced that he now knew where his good looks had come from. Everyone laughed. When Dale became a sophomore he became really excited. He was going to get his drivers license. The problem he had was finding time to take drivers’ education. He had football, no time in the fall. He had wrestling, no time in the winter. He would take a record amount of time to get through drivers’ ed. We reminded him of this often. He finally got through drivers’ ed and was ready for his drivers test to get his license. We had arranged to meet at the BMV office in Fishers. He had already passed his written test and now it was time for his driving test. I could tell he was nervous on the phone. I hung up and met him there. It took a couple of weeks to get an appointment for this test. His brother had left him his car for the test and went off to get some lunch. Dale and I went inside to get the driving examiner. The test begins by checking to see if the car is in safe condition. The examiner asks Dale to push on the brakes. Dale did and no brake lights came on. The examiner then said that he could not take the test because the car did not have any brake lights. Dale was horrified. The examiner said if we could get them working he could take the test, but if we couldn't, we would have to reschedule. Dale and I worked to try and find the problem but could not. The examiner would come and go with other kids for their tests but would always ask if we had any luck. Dale would say no but he had not given up. Finally the guy said he had to go to lunch and Dale would have to reschedule. Dale and I climbed in my police car and I could see that he was very hurt. About this time Dustin returned with his friends. One of Dustin's friends said that Dale could use his car. Dale said that it was too late. Then the examiner appeared and said if this car works I will skip lunch and give you your test. The car worked fine and Dale took his test and passed. Everyone talks about his smile. Well you should have seen it that day. It was bigger then ever. Dale said it was one of his happiest days. I could not thank that man from the BMV enough. After that day the majority of our conversations turned to Dale's car. We had several meetings on our back deck talking about what kind of car we would get him. My wife and I decided to give Dale his car on his birthday. It was going to be grand. This never happened. I had to include all of these stories to give you an idea of what Dale was like. These are just a few. There is no way I could tell you everything about him. Dale was Dale. He was always there when you needed him. I could count on Dale to do a lot of things. His younger sister counted on him to help her with homework. His even younger sister keeps telling me stories about Dale coming up to her room to play with her. She shows me how Dale would hide a quarter behind her ear. She still plays this game today. She looks me in the eyes and says "I miss Dale". Caitlin and Ciaran loved Dale more than you would expect from siblings. Dustin counted on Dale for just about everything. Dustin has lost half of himself. I was extremely worried about Dustin. The poor boy is lost. We all are trying to help him. Emily has lost one of her "Bubbies". It was the Three Musketeers on that cold December night when they came to me to stay. Protecting each other. Holding each other. Loving each other. The three are now two. The things they endured together. How can one understand how they must feel. My wife Caroline always considered the "Boys" her sons. Sometimes she would be hard on them but it was to keep them on track. It was Caroline who had provided them with a magnificent home. Dale had his own room and a queen size bed. He was thrilled. He went about like mad getting it organized. She complains about all the laundry, but I can tell she misses doing Dale's. I can see a tear in her eye as she comes up from the basement. No new dirty laundry in Dale's room. By reading what you have, how do you think you would feel? How do you think this would affect you? When I write about all the people that loved Dale, you might ask how I know this. They all made a point to tell me, and why. My friends all loved Dale. They would ask if I was bringing the "Boys" with me to whatever we were doing. Football games, races, cookouts or just hanging out on the lake. My friends wanted me to bring my "Boys". They were not a burden or distraction. They were on the same level as us. My sons are my friends. Friends. That speaks volumes. What were Dale's plans? Dale was the most excited about school that I have ever seen. All he talked about last year was how he was going to JEL. He was going to study radio communications. He wanted to be a disk jockey. You had to see him when he found out he was going. He was smiling all the time. In his room, he lined up all his paperwork so he would not forget anything. He would look at me and say "Dad, when I make it big, I'm going to take care of you". Well, I guess he did make it big, and one day he will take care of me. He told Caroline that he wanted me and everyone else to hear him on the radio at JEL. He had plans to go to Ball State. He wanted to apply for the David Letterman Scholarship. He had a plan and was determined to make it work. He was happy that he would be going to JEL in the mornings. This way he could continue to wrestle and be at HSE at the end of the day. This was important to him. He worked out almost every day in our basement. I loved to watch the "Boys" wrestle. I tried to never miss a meet. I even gave the team an unofficial police escort back to the school when they won the regional. This I will miss. I walked into his room the other day. His letter jacket hanging by his closet, pictures taped to his mirror and his school papers all lined up on his TV. Left there by him, so he wouldn't forget them. Now to me. How has Dale's loss affected me? I cannot put into words exactly how I feel. I can say dreadful, devastated and all kinds of other words, but there are no words that can describe it. You feel it in your entire being. It is not good. No parent should have to do this. As Dale's father, I personally have to endure his passing. I have my own pain. I have my own sense of loss. I miss my little boy. He will forever be my little boy. But I also endure the pain of the rest of my children. They look to me for guidance, comfort, strength and understanding. Who do I look to? As a parent you tuck them in as little children, you wipe their nose, you fix the bumps and bruises, you teach them to ride a bike for the first time, you are the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause. Now it's gone, forever. You no longer see their smiling face, tears of sorrow or joy, share their accomplishments or whom they may have married and his children. One moment he was there and the next he was gone. Gone. I to this day, still cannot believe it. So not only do I suffer my own pain, I take on as much of my other children's pain that I can. This is a heavy burden. I wish this on no one. I will do what it takes to try and heal my family. This task, I doubt will ever end. The pain never ending. All I can do is protect the rest of my children the best I can. I had great fear when the children reached driving age. All my entire adult life I have seen tragedy. Needless to say my fear has increased a thousand fold. My anxiety constant. Never ending, until once again, I can play ball with Dale. I hope I haven't rambled. I have a million memories swirling in my head. These are the only things I have left of Dale. There will be no more.
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